Heeeeyyyy Teellllllll —- No’s

1. make sure not to press record during discussion about what you will say in ‘Hey Tell’ message
2. make sure you release record button after you THINK you have finished your ‘Heeeey Teellll’ message
3. The record button is not live chat….just smiling at it does not complete communication
4. If you are in the company of others, and feel the need to share a ‘Hey Tell’ message to an unsuspecting sober recipient…ATTEMPT to take turns speaking….keeping it short..
5. don’t e-mail and stalk people on chats in order to find people that are awake to torture with your Better than Life Message—— RIGHT NOW (ie…..Who’s awake….who else do I have in my contacts, etc….)

I don’t know which is worse…texting or heytelling…people can actually hear your state of mind instead of assuming it.

Break The Fast

Sooo…I just came back from breakfast and now I am thinking about the word ‘breakfast’ and I’ve decided it’s kinda lame. It sounds like 3 guys were sitting around coming up with all the words for the English language and they were all excited because they thought that they had finished…..and then one guy was like “WAIT….what about that meal we eat when we first wake up?” and the other 2 guys were like “Gaaahhhh!!! *sigh*” and by this point they were tired and over the whole coming up with EVERY word in the English language and so one guy finally said “Well….while you were sleeping you weren’t eating, right….which is like fasting…..so that meal ‘breaks the fast’ so BREAKFAST” And the other 2 guys were like….”yeah, whatever I don’t care…..that’s fine”
It’s too literal…..yeah….so I am going to work on a better word….but right now I am going to take a nap

Newspaper Guy

Ok…do you have a guy, at your grocery store, that tries handing out free newspapers?? I do and I feel bad for the guy because no one ever takes them….or even really looks at him and he is there doing this most times I have been to the store. So, yeah, finally I decided to take a paper….which obviously was a mistake, because obviously he is not just handing out free papers. He asks if I have a subscription to the paper to which I reply I do not….and then asks if I would like to sign up for one and, now I feel like I was just trying to get a free paper.
Somehow I become engaged in a debate on why I do not have a subscription to the paper….which my response was that I travel too much….and then we had to debate over just ordering the Sunday paper. The guy is looking at me like I seriously stole the paper, I took from him….which I wasn’t even going to read, anyway….Honestly. I only read the paper when I travel.
I swear to God, he did everything but ask me….”If you had no intention of ordering the paper, why did you just take one”
So….my lesson is don’t just take the newspaper, from the guy at the grocery store, to be nice.

Uncovering Flaws in Security System

There are definitely some glitches in the system set up for an ADT alarm system. It seems like common sense, or maybe I am just paranoid?? Actually I doubt that I am paranoid, if anything I am actually too trusting…..but that doesn’t mean I don’t notice some flaws in how secure a system is.
For instance….when you sign up for the alarm system you have to give the sales guy the password you tell ADT when they call to make sure you are alright. Ok…so there is one stranger, that knows where I live, that also knows my password.
Then when the tech guy comes out….you end up having to tell him the password, too. The tech guy knows where I live….and happens to have spent 6 hrs in my apartment yesterday setting up this system. He obviously knows my apartment….and the inner workings to the alarm system.
After the system was FINALLY installed….the tech guy took me thru the tutorial. He said he was going to turn the siren off so we didn’t have to listen to it while we went thru different features. That is where I first challenged him on the safety of it all. Because all he did was pull a tiny wire off the inside of the system box. So I asked if that is all you have to do to turn off the alarm. Immediately he got defensive and said, well yeah…but then proceeded to go into all the tamper alerts the system triggers if you try to ‘open’ the box. Ok, fair enough….that question is dissolved.
Later we come to the part where he explains the ‘Duress’ code. It is a pre determined code by ADT which he shows me. So I ask if I can change it. He acts like no one has ever asked that. I find it hard to believe that I am the first person to ask that. He is really confused why I would want to change the code…and I point out that basically everyone that works for ADT, or has an ADT system obviously knows the ‘Fake Duress Code’.
Apparently I am permitted to change it, but he highly recommends I do not….probably because he highly wants to kill or rape me one day….maybe both.
The last thing I challenged him on was the remote that goes with the system. Basically the guy just spent 30 mins telling me about all this high tech stuff that will save my life, but with a simple remote I can turn the system on and off without a code, at all??
So I said….hmmmm….So if I use the remote I don’t have to punch in a code? To which he says…”That’s right” and I proceed to say….then the duress code really doesn’t have any purpose at that point does it?
This series of questioning was very confusing to him. He really had had enough of me by that point…but really I mean you would kind of have to be stupid to carry around the remote to your alarm system…I think I am going to burn mine.
I don’t think I was being paranoid either….I think those were legitimate questions. And fyi….I have already changed the code and the password…and I don’t care if you are Spencer Reid….you will not guess my password.

The Most Massive Broken Glass Clean Up in the History of the World

Ok….first I was SOBER…let’s just get that straight right off. All I was trying to do was be a good dish fairy and put the dishes away….including a wine glass that had a stem.
I am AWFUL with wine glasses, and OBVIOUSLY, I do not have to be drinking from one, or drunk, for that rule to apply. Wine glasses and I are not besties. Wine glasses without stems and I have a much better relationship, but they can’t be too delicate and fancy b/c I am like Lenny from the book/movie Of Mice and Men except I’m not mentally retarded or unusually large, or disfigured.
So back to the massive glass clean up—–
Yeah putting away my nemesis… a STEMMED wine glass…..it slips from my fingers and literally shatters like I have never seen a glass shatter EVER before….and the distance on this shatter…..JEeeezUss. *sigh*
I am Uber pissed b/c I JUST woke up and had my jammies on & was reheating left overs and merely putting the dishes away while the reheating took place.
I didn’t even know where to begin…….but there were throw rugs involved and dogs live here, so I knew there would be me going outside to shake out the glass— FRONT YARD, not back where the dogs are. So I had to put clothes on……
Then I had to find a broom…..this is not my house and took a phone call to my friend in order to find broom, which by the way has NO DUST PAN. Seriously?? How do you have a broom with no dustpan?? I was told to use the Shark, but to take the bristle roller part out first. Ok…but I still had to sweep the destruction into a pile, and I think the pile of glass was bigger than the actual glass…..obviously just trying to be an asshole. I had no idea how to take the stupid bristle roller out of the Shark and was trying several different make shift dust pans. ALL failures. This resulted in ANOTHER call to my friend in order to learn how to take the roller part out (which turns out is pretty easy). Ok……so I vacuumed up ‘The Pile’ then set the Shark on the counter on which it decided to spit up some of the glass. AWESOME……so I now had to Shark vacuum the counter….or I could have just brushed the glass into the trash from edge of counter, but I wanted to make the Shark eat it’s vomit.
After dumping out the Shark’s vomit into the trash can I used it to go around ALL the edges of the kitchen. *sigh*
Also, did I mention when I was carefully trying to take the throw rugs to the front yard to shake out glass I inevitably spilled glass thru the living room. YEAH.
Anyway……I got the stupid REAL vacuum cleaner out and put it on ‘bare floor’ mode and had to vacuum the kitchen and found MORE glass as I was doing that– REALLY? It was like if you get gremlins wet and they start popping more gremlins all over the place, plus I had to move EVERYTHING….kitchen table….chairs, bar stools……
K….so now the kitchen is a SAFE PLACE……and I had to get the shark back out but WITH the bristle roller thing to vacuum the throw rugs.
All the time the microwave is beeping every so often….reminding me my food is getting cold. Yeah, I already know….Can’t you see I’m busy.
Alright…..throw rugs all vacuumed and looking better than before so that makes me happy…..but I still have to vacuum the entire living room, now.
Who breaks a wine glass in THE KITCHEN and ends up having to vacuum the living room? ME…..of course.
Gaaaahhh……ok……so I vacuum the living room and see tiny glistening pieces of glass basically laughing at me….but that crunching sound the vacuum makes when it is ACTUALLY sucking up those asshole pieces of glass was very gratifying. Love that sound…..
Also….I should never have kids because massive clean up efforts I find SUPER irritating.

What I hate about Sims

First….I LOVE the Sims….but there are issues that I HATE.
1) as if I do not have enough things to keep me procrastinating…The Sims is a HUGE time suckage. It is NOT easy to create the PERFECT Sim….and build a house….buy them fancy stuff……make hot neighbors for them to hook up with and eventually raise a Sim family.
I know plenty of cheats….I mean they are right there on The Internets….if you google….which apparently a lot of people don’t google as much as I do. The reason I know this is because people ask questions on Twitter all the time and I answer their questions by Googling….and they thank me, like I actually knew that. I Google EVERYTHING…..In fact I hope my Google history dies when I do, b/c yeah….some of it is just NOT stuff I want other people to know I Google.
Ok…back to the Sims. Even though I know cheats, one of the best being how to make them gazillionaires and buy them nice things….
Well….by the time I freaking get everything in place and their house arranged to their liking (taking cues from their either jumping up and down and clapping OR stomping their feet and shaking their head with exclamation marks emitting from them) they grow old before I can achieve most of their goals.
Do you know how freaking long it takes them to read a book?? FOREVER…… Do you know how long they have to work out before actually getting a point for that?? FOREVER and then they are tired and need a nap. If they have a job they are gone too much and can’t take care of having parties and meeting friends, or going to the spa.
Sleeping takes too long, too…..and then they tire easily.
I am sure I should brush up on some of those cheats, but seriously…..can they go a week without getting gray hair and being a Senior?
I guess even fake people you create just grow up too fast…..but in NOT real life, can we eliminate that, already.

Quaffee

You’re lying…..
VERY few people actually pronounce ‘Coffee’ Quaffee….and I am pretty sure you are NOT one of them….
Whatever words I MAY have picked up while living in NY I now feel like a traitor hearing the words trashed so violently from people TRYING to sound New York instead of actually BEING New York.
You may LIVE in New York, you may HAVE lived in New York, but don’t fucking try to sound like you ARE New York…..
New York is better than you ever could be…….

Having Children is NOT a Science Project

SERIOUSLY!! I GET it…NO ONE is ever ‘prepared’ to have kids, but fuck if you MAKE the choice under less than ideal circumstances that is your problem…SORRY.
1) the world is WAY over populated…..
-natural resources being depleted and fought over daily
-Government feels compelled to step in offering assistance to those that can NOT afford the children they bear
a) AWESOME the rest of us pay more taxes to make up for what you consider to be perhaps a ‘blessed gift’
b) this ‘blessed gift’ costs LOTS of us more in taxes for programs that support your ‘Well fuck It happens…decision’
c) then you carry on feeling ‘Hey look I have a baby’…I am now excused from anyone else’s time management as I coral 1-4 children…..gather sippy cups, back packs and shoes together, not to mention….not even knowing how to work your car seat.
Pull it together…..seriously….there are other people in the world. I GET YES…..children are a fabulous gift for many people….but for a GREAT many……they are a way of making their own life have purpose. I freaking read the status updates, the blogs, the non stop stories on the plane…….The pleading moms…..Um apple juice, please (frazzled and without sippy cups)
I think by now everyone knows how I feel about having my own children…..NO!!!!
If you DO have children…..be prepared…would you apply for a job you hadn’t researched?? YES…OK…I KNOW…..hands on experience takes time…and I am understanding, but YOU need to GET that you are oblivious and taking from those around you.
I was at the grocery store and this ridiculous….”HI, I have a baby in a big ass car fun shopping cart was taking up the ENTIRE aisle. I seemed to be patiently waiting……meanwhile….her husband noticed I was also trying to complete my shopping experience and SHE AND CHILD in the way…..he was softly moving her forward while she wooed over ‘I am a mom and baby is doing ‘whatever’
After he considerably and patiently moved her, she bitched at him saying I was looking for something and you are pushing me forward.
I wanted to say to her (and in defense to her polite husband)….He had the ability to notice their is a world beyond yourself and although you have a child OTHER people ALSO need to finish their grocery shopping…..so just move the fuck out of the way for 5 seconds b/c that is what it will take me against your…..I have a baby and I need everyone to think FOR ME now shopping skills.
I sort of forgot where I was going with this
Except that I also think that Invetro Twins, triplets etc…..are off setting what seems to be natural selection in ATTEMPTING to discontinue OVER population and draw more from the few resources we have left.
This Generation MULTIPLE Baby b/c we really probably shouldn’t have any in the first place, generation I HOPE will be REALLY good at bringing recycling our NOW natural resources….and perhaps they will be able to eat meals, like Pot Roast in Pill Form, like the Jetsons…..
Good Luck…..I won’t be here and I won’t be adding anything to this exponential outrage.
Ok………That is all

Sometimes Curtains are BETTER than a Balcony

I’m in Rio…
I Have HIGH HOPES for Rio…..and Brazil, that they get their shit together before the Olympics.
This is my EXTREME Close Up to ONE of the ‘Favellas’…..infamous for gun shots……muggings, kidnapping, drugs, and other sorted excitement.
Sometimes I like to open my balcony door and listen to the waves……I am skipping that this trip and keeping curtains closed…..not that curtains are bullet proof. And not that I ‘REALLY’ think I will be hit by a stray bullet…..but…..I think I have taken enough chances in life 😉
Anywho……I am still glad I am here…..I had a nice dinner and flew with good people and NO drama…..so all good December….still a THUMBS UP….so far
a

The Plight of Mr. Coffee

Ok…..so REALLY I have had this issue with coffee makers ever since I left home and had my very own. I will start you with a bit of background: I USED to be VERY OCD…..being a A Virgo, and basically just being OCD, in general. Coffee Makers, especially bothered me…..and TO THIS DAY…..IDK……All through college, no matter my roommates, my deal was if you make coffee, please rinse everything out after you are finished. You may as well be speaking alien…..b/c people that ‘own’ coffee makers, and ‘brew’ coffee regularly have NO concept of this ridiculous cleaning and rinsing procedure. HONESTLY, after roughly 20 yrs, I realize this ONLY matters to me. I accept it, but it is still a mystery. You wash all your other dishes and cooking utensils, I am pretty sure……Generally it is the ‘Coffee Maker’ left to take on a new level of stain…..and uncertainty…..And within that discussion I HAVE to bring up— WHO the F**K buys WHITE coffee makers?? SERIOUSLY??!! Uh….coffee=dark stain…. look hideous, much like this sentence….especially if you are the 100% of coffee maker drip pot owner people, or whatever…….Uh …Just the MrCoffee types, k.I don’t really drink coffee, that much, if I do, I drink espresso…..just b/c I LOVE espresso….I LOVE STRONG coffee…..SUPER strong. Anyway, so I have an espresso machine, now….and no one uses it b/c they don’t know how, and they ‘think’ it’s complicated, but it’s NOT…..and it’s even EASIER to clean……But…..STILL I pass ole MrCoffee sitting there with day to week long old coffee staining his pot, and disfiguring the filter.Now that I have the Espresso machine I generally leave the MrCoffee to the User, but on occasions….an over achiever and feel bad for MrCoffee and clean him out, as well.More than anything…..I am wondering why am I the ONLY one that notices or even cares about this?