Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Break The Fast

Posted: December 17, 2011 in random, Uncategorized

Sooo…I just came back from breakfast and now I am thinking about the word ‘breakfast’ and I’ve decided it’s kinda lame. It sounds like 3 guys were sitting around coming up with all the words for the English language and they were all excited because they thought that they had finished…..and then one guy was like “WAIT….what about that meal we eat when we first wake up?” and the other 2 guys were like “Gaaahhhh!!! *sigh*” and by this point they were tired and over the whole coming up with EVERY word in the English language and so one guy finally said “Well….while you were sleeping you weren’t eating, right….which is like fasting…..so that meal ‘breaks the fast’ so BREAKFAST” And the other 2 guys were like….”yeah, whatever I don’t care…..that’s fine”
It’s too literal…..yeah….so I am going to work on a better word….but right now I am going to take a nap

I. don’t. know.

Posted: October 12, 2011 in Uncategorized

Maybe you have noticed, or maybe not….but I am definitely an over thinker….and combined with insomnia, this often leads to basically more over thinking and a vicious and relatively unproductive cycle.
I don’t really know that NOW is any different…..
Basically I had/have been dealing with one consuming relationship in my life, for the last 6 yrs… somehow I lived MY life for someone else because I didn’t want to hurt that person. Hurting someone else was so hard for me to do….that I sacrificed what I wanted, or didn’t want. I let someone else convince me that my feelings were wrong, because whether I was happy, or not—- They were, and as far as they were concerned that was really all that mattered.
Well, I don’t think we can ever truly be convinced our feelings are wrong….but we can definitely be led to question why they don’t seem to be right. I pretty much always knew the whole thing was doomed….it was only a matter of time. This matter of time extended each day, each week, each year…..and of course eventually I had to do us both a favor.
Yeah, ok…..I got divorced….we all know that. This isn’t really about that……
Those years were excruciating….GOD AWFUL…I took this picture Aug. 2001 and I hate it….but it is an incredibly visual depiction of how I felt…..inside and out.

I took that picture long before I ever met my ex husband….I truly and innocently took the picture, but immediately realized it was way more than just a picture— for me, at least.
And….moving on…..since leaving my ex and forging other friendships I find new challenges in balancing it all.
I have discovered how many people will really stand by you and how I have learned that that there is a questionable amount of people that continue to take when you have little more to give.
I honestly am so grateful for my life and the people that are genuinely a part of it and have been there for me.
I have learned how many people are really by my side, or have been….and I am very fortunate and I absolutely recognize how lucky I am.
Not being completely consumed by a co dependent alcoholic is very enlightening and eye opening when you break free and start to spend time on ‘friends’.
I feel fairly naive, or am beginning to.
I am a very strong person….no doubt, but recently am faced with people in my life that I honestly do not understand….at all. Honestly.
Trust me…..I KNOW….I KNOW….I am not perfect….far from….but despite my sarcasm and Road Rage I am RIDICULOUSLY giving. I mean….really….and perhaps too trusting….I guess. This is where I start to wonder. I mean my street smarts are dead on….but when it comes to ‘friends’….I think I most definitely give way too many people the benefit of the doubt.
Long before I even questioned all this a coworker said to me ‘You just always see the good in everyone’….and my response was that ‘it was a sickness’. Maybe it is….I was kidding, when I said that, but maybe I need to pay more attention.
I am finding that no matter how genuine you are….or how much you do, despite anything….some people will/ do take. I know this…or did….I mean I have been in many relationships, but friendships….well for me….it is a curve ball. Yeah…guys, relationships, duh…. but ‘friends’…why?? What do they have to gain, and why??
What?? I mean really?? what more do people want?? Is it the pure pleasure of drama, and disdain in their own life….a chemical unbalance….or do they really think I am this awful person? I really don’t know…honestly…..
I’m not perfect…..I’m SUPER sensitive….and imperfect, like anyone. But….and I am serious….I would do almost anything in the entire world for a friend….and if EVER I needed them for anything, I am just ridiculously overwhelmed by how I can do anything to pay them back.
I am not so much questioning myself and being who I am, I like being nice and I like helping people….but I am questioning who I actually consider friends. This is difficult for me. I honestly can’t stand to carry negative energy.
I think no matter how many obstacles you have been through, or how hard they were—-there are always new lessons every day. I suppose right now I need to realize I can only do so much and beyond that I have to let go. I will continue to be me- always and eventually that has to be the most honest way to approach anything. I am not afraid to say I am sorry….I am not into stand offs….and I am not into rehashing stupid things that really have no positive outcome.
I am sure everyone already has this figured out, but honestly….I feel like I have been living in a dark hole of emotion the last 6 yrs…..so all this is seriously ‘new’ to me.

Freshman English 1992

Posted: October 2, 2011 in Uncategorized

When I was going thru old paperwork, the other night….I ran across a journal my freshman English professor gave us, as an assignment. I have NO clue how it has stayed with me all these years, while many other things never made it through my nomadic lifestyle, but it did.
I don’t recall the last time I even saw it, but I found it the other night and looked thru it.
Some of it was pretty good….and some of it sucked…mostly it left me thinking that I am way better at writing on pen and paper than I am with a computer?? No clue why, really….. But what also leads me to believe this is I have been carrying around a journal for most of the year and it has some extremely interesting thoughts that definitely are way better than anything I ever publicly express, but I can’t be that open….I think I am pretty open, but not that open. I am actually pretty shy.
I suck at blogging, I think we can all agree on that…..but that’s ok….whatever….
Anyway…..I scanned my last entry…..I seem surprised I would enjoy writing in a journal. That sort of reminded me that growing up I was insanely into art and would draw, paint, pastel, whatever…..and when I got to college I had the shittiest art professor ever and now I never draw….etc…. Well, I paint….but I lack passion— and talent.
So….if you are a professor….I guess you do make an impression, keep that in mind. Not that the Art World is missing out on me….just strange how my outlet was influenced??
Also….it is interesting he didn’t grade me on me actually putting Grammar rules to use….
English journal 1992001

Reasons I need my own place

Posted: March 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

Why I NEED my own place:
1. I NEED ME TIME
2. I do NOT need to deal with other people’s drama…..for a period of time, at least— and possibly EVER, after all this
3. I can spend my ZERO money on ME and not feel in debt to others…..nor will someone (a husband ask for shit)
4. I like things clean & organized…..I want to come back to that. On RARE occasions I do not care about organization I still know where shit is, and WILL organize it
5. I am handy…..I have a tool kit and know how to fix things better than pretty much anyone I have lived with since 2 people in NYC
—- for instance: MrD installed new shower head the other day….since then LOW LOW water pressure. Being determined I fixed it tonight. He never would have gotten around to it….and would have blamed shower head making a useless trip to Target for return, only to end up same
6. I can watch, or NOT watch, what I want when I want or not
7. I don’t have to be quiet and I don’t have to deal w/ someone who is NOT quiet and thinks it’s fine to talk in my ear while I am on the phone….or talk loudly while I am trying to sleep in between working
8. I don’t have to take care of ANYONE, but ME and my lovely Sasha……
9. I can listen to music and just stare and think about how amazing this moment is and how long I waited for it

To Be Continued………

Quaffee

Posted: February 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

You’re lying…..
VERY few people actually pronounce ‘Coffee’ Quaffee….and I am pretty sure you are NOT one of them….
Whatever words I MAY have picked up while living in NY I now feel like a traitor hearing the words trashed so violently from people TRYING to sound New York instead of actually BEING New York.
You may LIVE in New York, you may HAVE lived in New York, but don’t fucking try to sound like you ARE New York…..
New York is better than you ever could be…….

I will blog about things besides NO SLEEP
I will post a blog about My Not so settling, but Eventually funny experience– IN NARNIA with one of my most AWESOMEST friends, BrianEasley

As for now……there is Breaking GunFire in Egypt, on the news–here, in Brazil….pretty sure that’s been breaking for days

I ate a scrumptious Brazilian meal earlier, from a buffet, down the street from Sao Paulo Hotel: Golden Tulip
Restaurant A Mereinda

I think that covers things for the evening……maybe, probably…..
Be Back, soon……

SERIOUSLY!! I GET it…NO ONE is ever ‘prepared’ to have kids, but fuck if you MAKE the choice under less than ideal circumstances that is your problem…SORRY.
1) the world is WAY over populated…..
-natural resources being depleted and fought over daily
-Government feels compelled to step in offering assistance to those that can NOT afford the children they bear
a) AWESOME the rest of us pay more taxes to make up for what you consider to be perhaps a ‘blessed gift’
b) this ‘blessed gift’ costs LOTS of us more in taxes for programs that support your ‘Well fuck It happens…decision’
c) then you carry on feeling ‘Hey look I have a baby’…I am now excused from anyone else’s time management as I coral 1-4 children…..gather sippy cups, back packs and shoes together, not to mention….not even knowing how to work your car seat.
Pull it together…..seriously….there are other people in the world. I GET YES…..children are a fabulous gift for many people….but for a GREAT many……they are a way of making their own life have purpose. I freaking read the status updates, the blogs, the non stop stories on the plane…….The pleading moms…..Um apple juice, please (frazzled and without sippy cups)
I think by now everyone knows how I feel about having my own children…..NO!!!!
If you DO have children…..be prepared…would you apply for a job you hadn’t researched?? YES…OK…I KNOW…..hands on experience takes time…and I am understanding, but YOU need to GET that you are oblivious and taking from those around you.
I was at the grocery store and this ridiculous….”HI, I have a baby in a big ass car fun shopping cart was taking up the ENTIRE aisle. I seemed to be patiently waiting……meanwhile….her husband noticed I was also trying to complete my shopping experience and SHE AND CHILD in the way…..he was softly moving her forward while she wooed over ‘I am a mom and baby is doing ‘whatever’
After he considerably and patiently moved her, she bitched at him saying I was looking for something and you are pushing me forward.
I wanted to say to her (and in defense to her polite husband)….He had the ability to notice their is a world beyond yourself and although you have a child OTHER people ALSO need to finish their grocery shopping…..so just move the fuck out of the way for 5 seconds b/c that is what it will take me against your…..I have a baby and I need everyone to think FOR ME now shopping skills.
I sort of forgot where I was going with this
Except that I also think that Invetro Twins, triplets etc…..are off setting what seems to be natural selection in ATTEMPTING to discontinue OVER population and draw more from the few resources we have left.
This Generation MULTIPLE Baby b/c we really probably shouldn’t have any in the first place, generation I HOPE will be REALLY good at bringing recycling our NOW natural resources….and perhaps they will be able to eat meals, like Pot Roast in Pill Form, like the Jetsons…..
Good Luck…..I won’t be here and I won’t be adding anything to this exponential outrage.
Ok………That is all