Archive for the ‘stupid shit’ Category

Day and Night… the darkness fell….. The times between too gray to tell…
I sat alone inside my room….wondering what questions to even ask myself…a hollow echo was the only reply…. The hollow echo is an empty sound and it’s too dark to see the light…..so I lie down upon my sheets and wait until the sun will rise

Newspaper Guy

Posted: October 16, 2011 in not that interesting, random, stupid shit

Ok…do you have a guy, at your grocery store, that tries handing out free newspapers?? I do and I feel bad for the guy because no one ever takes them….or even really looks at him and he is there doing this most times I have been to the store. So, yeah, finally I decided to take a paper….which obviously was a mistake, because obviously he is not just handing out free papers. He asks if I have a subscription to the paper to which I reply I do not….and then asks if I would like to sign up for one and, now I feel like I was just trying to get a free paper.
Somehow I become engaged in a debate on why I do not have a subscription to the paper….which my response was that I travel too much….and then we had to debate over just ordering the Sunday paper. The guy is looking at me like I seriously stole the paper, I took from him….which I wasn’t even going to read, anyway….Honestly. I only read the paper when I travel.
I swear to God, he did everything but ask me….”If you had no intention of ordering the paper, why did you just take one”
So….my lesson is don’t just take the newspaper, from the loser guy at the grocery store, to be nice….because he’s probably a judgmental asshole…. Plus he is getting paid to sit there and look like a loser.

Ok….first I was SOBER…let’s just get that straight right off. All I was trying to do was be a good dish fairy and put the dishes away….including a wine glass that had a stem.
I am AWFUL with wine glasses, and OBVIOUSLY, I do not have to be drinking from one, or drunk, for that rule to apply. Wine glasses and I are not besties. Wine glasses without stems and I have a much better relationship, but they can’t be too delicate and fancy b/c I am like Lenny from the book/movie Of Mice and Men except I’m not mentally retarded or unusually large, or disfigured.
So back to the massive glass clean up—–
Yeah putting away my nemesis… a STEMMED wine glass…..it slips from my fingers and literally shatters like I have never seen a glass shatter EVER before….and the distance on this shatter…..JEeeezUss. *sigh*
I am Uber pissed b/c I JUST woke up and had my jammies on & was reheating left overs and merely putting the dishes away while the reheating took place.
I didn’t even know where to begin…….but there were throw rugs involved and dogs live here, so I knew there would be me going outside to shake out the glass— FRONT YARD, not back where the dogs are. So I had to put clothes on……
Then I had to find a broom…..this is not my house and took a phone call to my friend in order to find broom, which by the way has NO DUST PAN. Seriously?? How do you have a broom with no dustpan?? I was told to use the Shark, but to take the bristle roller part out first. Ok…but I still had to sweep the destruction into a pile, and I think the pile of glass was bigger than the actual glass…..obviously just trying to be an asshole. I had no idea how to take the stupid bristle roller out of the Shark and was trying several different make shift dust pans. ALL failures. This resulted in ANOTHER call to my friend in order to learn how to take the roller part out (which turns out is pretty easy). Ok……so I vacuumed up ‘The Pile’ then set the Shark on the counter on which it decided to spit up some of the glass. AWESOME……so I now had to Shark vacuum the counter….or I could have just brushed the glass into the trash from edge of counter, but I wanted to make the Shark eat it’s vomit.
After dumping out the Shark’s vomit into the trash can I used it to go around ALL the edges of the kitchen. *sigh*
Also, did I mention when I was carefully trying to take the throw rugs to the front yard to shake out glass I inevitably spilled glass thru the living room. YEAH.
Anyway……I got the stupid REAL vacuum cleaner out and put it on ‘bare floor’ mode and had to vacuum the kitchen and found MORE glass as I was doing that– REALLY? It was like if you get gremlins wet and they start popping more gremlins all over the place, plus I had to move EVERYTHING….kitchen table….chairs, bar stools……
K….so now the kitchen is a SAFE PLACE……and I had to get the shark back out but WITH the bristle roller thing to vacuum the throw rugs.
All the time the microwave is beeping every so often….reminding me my food is getting cold. Yeah, I already know….Can’t you see I’m busy.
Alright…..throw rugs all vacuumed and looking better than before so that makes me happy…..but I still have to vacuum the entire living room, now.
Who breaks a wine glass in THE KITCHEN and ends up having to vacuum the living room? ME…..of course.
Gaaaahhh……ok……so I vacuum the living room and see tiny glistening pieces of glass basically laughing at me….but that crunching sound the vacuum makes when it is ACTUALLY sucking up those asshole pieces of glass was very gratifying. Love that sound…..
Also….I should never have kids because massive clean up efforts I find SUPER irritating.

Ok….maybe that is not completely true….or at all true, but seriously….this is by far my favorite cup EVER. I do have some sort of thing about favorite cups and glasses…..I am not sure why….it is just one of my things. For instance if I DO make coffee I like to use my favorite coffee mug….if it is not available I carefully choose what I consider to be the next best choice?? The coffee will still taste the same in whichever mug, but the ‘right’ mug makes the experience happier and more fun?? IDK
Ok….so this brings me to my cup, that I ADORE……and maybe to pretty much everyone it is ‘just a cup’ and whatever, but to me…..it is THE BEST EVER.
I drink LOTs of water ALL day so I like BIG cups…..and for some reason this year I have developed a liking to having ice in my water……not many other things….just water. I think b/c it is so fucking hot here. Anyway……so my issue with ALL other cups is that the ice water makes the cup sweat and no matter how many napkins I put under the cup, it still makes a mess…..and even if that problem was solved….the entire cup is sweaty, which I find annoying.
On my daily trip to Target, the other day, I made finding the perfect cup a top priority and I FOUND IT. It is FREAKING AWESOME. It holds LOTS of water and DOESN’T sweat and is insulated to keep water cold. It even has a bottle opener that is incognito on the bottom of the handle.
I know….this may sound ridiculous to you, but I don’t care…..I LOVE ‘Cup’ and even if it is not currently ‘Saving the World’ it probably could, if given the chance. Or maybe not, but it makes me happy so YEAH…..

Do you ever question the food you order?? Maybe in your mind….but have you really actually questioned the food…..You never know there may be answers…..
Tonight I decided to question my Chicken Sandwich…Sam…..I asked for wheat bread and he was delivered on WHITE….already he has the look of shame. I tried to reassure him, but he oozed mayonnaise soaked tears….I suppose it didn’t help that before I decided to directly address the sandwich I ate his other half…..I didn’t catch her name, but her mayonnaise tears were shared.
So now left with just ‘Sam’…I wonder about his past b/c I have never questioned a sandwich. I asked him if he always thought of himself as a sandwich as a little ‘over looked lunchable’ perhaps…meant for better things.
Sam is @ a nice hotel brought to me by room service, but I can see how this also can be degrading because when they lift the top of the room service tray they turn and ask “Will This do?” as if it is a puppy that will be returned and shot if not good enough.
Of course, I accept ‘Ole Sam’ and then start looking at him inquisitively…It’s obvious he is miserable….I think he came that way before I ate the other half.
So I press on asking if he had hopes of his own…..did he see signs for ‘Relief Efforts’ and want to be a volunteer not thinking of himself, a loner, a rebel.
He won’t talk to my but the face of a sandwich says a 1,000 words and all of them insinuate a shrugging of the shoulders and the return question…Why am I HERE?!
Sam…..I don’t know why you are or why I am even here so let’s just call it a night…..
He looks even more sad when I put the chips all over him…..kind of like an eccentric Uncle that is like ‘Why Me?’
There is a tiny Salad on the side of the plate that is young is showing interest in Sam…..maybe by tomorrow he will be happy but in the morning, I will probably eat Sam, and thus break Salad’s heart….and then will have to ask other salad’s from now on what kind of romantic soul I destroyed.
See Most people over look these conversations….b/c they have had enough sleep and this is ridiculous, OH but NOT me…..
You can count on me to be stupid, and/ or ridiculous at ANY time…….

I was just thinking that I really wish that someone would just walk through the door and shoot me to death. Nothing too dramatic……..no raping or torture just a simple shooting will do. I could hire someone to make sure that it gets done right………….after all that is said and done I could be on Forensic Files.In the dramatization Kip, from Napolean Dynamite, will play the killer and he will ask me where should we do this…………I will open one sleepy eye barely lifting my head off the pillow and answer by saying it doesn’t really matter just let me put on my favorite ball gown…………its red and comes with long gloves.Nothing really bad comes from my death except that the liquor store down the street goes out of business.My quote for that day will be that Hating myself was my destiny and I was willing to die for it.Too bad it wasn’t already tomorrow because I am pretty sure my destiny for tomorrow will be World Peace……………Stupid timing………..sometimes hiring a person to kill you has to come before World Peace

Ok…if you are a mom and you are on Facebook I realize that is a GREAT way to the let the World know how Adorable your children are….but let’s stick to some guidelines:

1. During pregnancy if you feel the need to photo your stomach every week please add a disclosure….b/c NOT everyone thinks pregnant bellies are awesome….they give me the heebie jeebies (IF I ever get pregnant TRUST ME I will feel the same way about myself)
2. When you go into Labor please don’t drag it out over a 2 page status update with all the details
3. Once you have ‘new baby’ you are permitted to go crazy with updates and baby pics for ONE month…then you have to start incorporating stuff OTHER people care about….or at least aren’t sick of hearing about or seeing
4. Don’t change your default photo to a picture of your baby (or babies)…..you are still you….you did not turn into ‘The Baby’….well you probably did…but let’s pretend you still are an individual
5. Eliminate Potty Training updates altogether….seriously….isn’t their ‘Group Therapy’ for that???
6. Don’t go with the flow…EVERYONE does First Day of School updates…..why not pick a random number out of a hat and update that day of school……Then everyone will notice your update
7. Only post FUNNY and ORIGINAL stuff your children do….even if you have to make it up…no one cares if your child found out he/she has buggers and thinks they taste good…EVERYONE’s child discovers that @ some point
8. Remember before you were a Mom…you were YOU…..and don’t forget that…..we want to hear what YOU are doing, sometimes, not always…..unless you are still really interesting and clever

Ok…I think that concludes today’s Rant…..