Archive for October, 2011

Newspaper Guy

Posted: October 16, 2011 in not that interesting, random, stupid shit

Ok…do you have a guy, at your grocery store, that tries handing out free newspapers?? I do and I feel bad for the guy because no one ever takes them….or even really looks at him and he is there doing this most times I have been to the store. So, yeah, finally I decided to take a paper….which obviously was a mistake, because obviously he is not just handing out free papers. He asks if I have a subscription to the paper to which I reply I do not….and then asks if I would like to sign up for one and, now I feel like I was just trying to get a free paper.
Somehow I become engaged in a debate on why I do not have a subscription to the paper….which my response was that I travel too much….and then we had to debate over just ordering the Sunday paper. The guy is looking at me like I seriously stole the paper, I took from him….which I wasn’t even going to read, anyway….Honestly. I only read the paper when I travel.
I swear to God, he did everything but ask me….”If you had no intention of ordering the paper, why did you just take one”
So….my lesson is don’t just take the newspaper, from the loser guy at the grocery store, to be nice….because he’s probably a judgmental asshole…. Plus he is getting paid to sit there and look like a loser.

I. don’t. know.

Posted: October 12, 2011 in Uncategorized

Maybe you have noticed, or maybe not….but I am definitely an over thinker….and combined with insomnia, this often leads to basically more over thinking and a vicious and relatively unproductive cycle.
I don’t really know that NOW is any different…..
Basically I had/have been dealing with one consuming relationship in my life, for the last 6 yrs… somehow I lived MY life for someone else because I didn’t want to hurt that person. Hurting someone else was so hard for me to do….that I sacrificed what I wanted, or didn’t want. I let someone else convince me that my feelings were wrong, because whether I was happy, or not—- They were, and as far as they were concerned that was really all that mattered.
Well, I don’t think we can ever truly be convinced our feelings are wrong….but we can definitely be led to question why they don’t seem to be right. I pretty much always knew the whole thing was doomed….it was only a matter of time. This matter of time extended each day, each week, each year…..and of course eventually I had to do us both a favor.
Yeah, ok…..I got divorced….we all know that. This isn’t really about that……
Those years were excruciating….GOD AWFUL…I took this picture Aug. 2001 and I hate it….but it is an incredibly visual depiction of how I felt…..inside and out.

I took that picture long before I ever met my ex husband….I truly and innocently took the picture, but immediately realized it was way more than just a picture— for me, at least.
And….moving on…..since leaving my ex and forging other friendships I find new challenges in balancing it all.
I have discovered how many people will really stand by you and how I have learned that that there is a questionable amount of people that continue to take when you have little more to give.
I honestly am so grateful for my life and the people that are genuinely a part of it and have been there for me.
I have learned how many people are really by my side, or have been….and I am very fortunate and I absolutely recognize how lucky I am.
Not being completely consumed by a co dependent alcoholic is very enlightening and eye opening when you break free and start to spend time on ‘friends’.
I feel fairly naive, or am beginning to.
I am a very strong person….no doubt, but recently am faced with people in my life that I honestly do not understand….at all. Honestly.
Trust me…..I KNOW….I KNOW….I am not perfect….far from….but despite my sarcasm and Road Rage I am RIDICULOUSLY giving. I mean….really….and perhaps too trusting….I guess. This is where I start to wonder. I mean my street smarts are dead on….but when it comes to ‘friends’….I think I most definitely give way too many people the benefit of the doubt.
Long before I even questioned all this a coworker said to me ‘You just always see the good in everyone’….and my response was that ‘it was a sickness’. Maybe it is….I was kidding, when I said that, but maybe I need to pay more attention.
I am finding that no matter how genuine you are….or how much you do, despite anything….some people will/ do take. I know this…or did….I mean I have been in many relationships, but friendships….well for me….it is a curve ball. Yeah…guys, relationships, duh…. but ‘friends’…why?? What do they have to gain, and why??
What?? I mean really?? what more do people want?? Is it the pure pleasure of drama, and disdain in their own life….a chemical unbalance….or do they really think I am this awful person? I really don’t know…honestly…..
I’m not perfect…..I’m SUPER sensitive….and imperfect, like anyone. But….and I am serious….I would do almost anything in the entire world for a friend….and if EVER I needed them for anything, I am just ridiculously overwhelmed by how I can do anything to pay them back.
I am not so much questioning myself and being who I am, I like being nice and I like helping people….but I am questioning who I actually consider friends. This is difficult for me. I honestly can’t stand to carry negative energy.
I think no matter how many obstacles you have been through, or how hard they were—-there are always new lessons every day. I suppose right now I need to realize I can only do so much and beyond that I have to let go. I will continue to be me- always and eventually that has to be the most honest way to approach anything. I am not afraid to say I am sorry….I am not into stand offs….and I am not into rehashing stupid things that really have no positive outcome.
I am sure everyone already has this figured out, but honestly….I feel like I have been living in a dark hole of emotion the last 6 yrs… all this is seriously ‘new’ to me.

There are definitely some glitches in the system set up for an ADT alarm system. It seems like common sense, or maybe I am just paranoid?? Actually I doubt that I am paranoid, if anything I am actually too trusting…..but that doesn’t mean I don’t notice some flaws in how secure a system is.
For instance….when you sign up for the alarm system you have to give the sales guy the password you tell ADT when they call to make sure you are alright. Ok…so there is one stranger, that knows where I live, that also knows my password.
Then when the tech guy comes out….you end up having to tell him the password, too. The tech guy knows where I live….and happens to have spent 6 hrs in my apartment yesterday setting up this system. He obviously knows my apartment….and the inner workings to the alarm system.
After the system was FINALLY installed….the tech guy took me thru the tutorial. He said he was going to turn the siren off so we didn’t have to listen to it while we went thru different features. That is where I first challenged him on the safety of it all. Because all he did was pull a tiny wire off the inside of the system box. So I asked if that is all you have to do to turn off the alarm. Immediately he got defensive and said, well yeah…but then proceeded to go into all the tamper alerts the system triggers if you try to ‘open’ the box. Ok, fair enough….that question is dissolved.
Later we come to the part where he explains the ‘Duress’ code. It is a pre determined code by ADT which he shows me. So I ask if I can change it. He acts like no one has ever asked that. I find it hard to believe that I am the first person to ask that. He is really confused why I would want to change the code…and I point out that basically everyone that works for ADT, or has an ADT system obviously knows the ‘Fake Duress Code’. Duh, right?
Apparently I am permitted to change it, but he highly recommends I do not….probably because he highly wants to kill or rape me one day….maybe both.
The last thing I challenged him on was the remote that goes with the system. Basically the guy just spent 30 mins telling me about all this high tech stuff that will save my life, but with a simple remote I can turn the system on and off without a code, at all??
So I said….hmmmm….So if I use the remote I don’t have to punch in a code? To which he says…”That’s right” and I proceed to say….then the duress code really doesn’t have any purpose at that point does it?
This series of questioning was very confusing to him. He really had had enough of me by that point…but really I mean you would kind of have to be stupid to carry around the remote to your alarm system…I think I am going to burn mine.
I don’t think I was being paranoid either….I think those were legitimate questions. And fyi….I have already changed the code and the password…and I don’t care if you are Spencer Reid….you will not guess my password.

Freshman English 1992

Posted: October 2, 2011 in Uncategorized

When I was going thru old paperwork, the other night….I ran across a journal my freshman English professor gave us, as an assignment. I have NO clue how it has stayed with me all these years, while many other things never made it through my nomadic lifestyle, but it did.
I don’t recall the last time I even saw it, but I found it the other night and looked thru it.
Some of it was pretty good….and some of it sucked…mostly it left me thinking that I am way better at writing on pen and paper than I am with a computer?? No clue why, really….. But what also leads me to believe this is I have been carrying around a journal for most of the year and it has some extremely interesting thoughts that definitely are way better than anything I ever publicly express, but I can’t be that open….I think I am pretty open, but not that open. I am actually pretty shy.
I suck at blogging, I think we can all agree on that…..but that’s ok….whatever….
Anyway…..I scanned my last entry…..I seem surprised I would enjoy writing in a journal. That sort of reminded me that growing up I was insanely into art and would draw, paint, pastel, whatever…..and when I got to college I had the shittiest art professor ever and now I never draw….etc…. Well, I paint….but I lack passion— and talent.
So….if you are a professor….I guess you do make an impression, keep that in mind. Not that the Art World is missing out on me….just strange how my outlet was influenced??
Also….it is interesting he didn’t grade me on me actually putting Grammar rules to use….
English journal 1992001