I. don’t. know.

Posted: October 12, 2011 in Uncategorized

Maybe you have noticed, or maybe not….but I am definitely an over thinker….and combined with insomnia, this often leads to basically more over thinking and a vicious and relatively unproductive cycle.
I don’t really know that NOW is any different…..
Basically I had/have been dealing with one consuming relationship in my life, for the last 6 yrs… somehow I lived MY life for someone else because I didn’t want to hurt that person. Hurting someone else was so hard for me to do….that I sacrificed what I wanted, or didn’t want. I let someone else convince me that my feelings were wrong, because whether I was happy, or not—- They were, and as far as they were concerned that was really all that mattered.
Well, I don’t think we can ever truly be convinced our feelings are wrong….but we can definitely be led to question why they don’t seem to be right. I pretty much always knew the whole thing was doomed….it was only a matter of time. This matter of time extended each day, each week, each year…..and of course eventually I had to do us both a favor.
Yeah, ok…..I got divorced….we all know that. This isn’t really about that……
Those years were excruciating….GOD AWFUL…I took this picture Aug. 2001 and I hate it….but it is an incredibly visual depiction of how I felt…..inside and out.

I took that picture long before I ever met my ex husband….I truly and innocently took the picture, but immediately realized it was way more than just a picture— for me, at least.
And….moving on…..since leaving my ex and forging other friendships I find new challenges in balancing it all.
I have discovered how many people will really stand by you and how I have learned that that there is a questionable amount of people that continue to take when you have little more to give.
I honestly am so grateful for my life and the people that are genuinely a part of it and have been there for me.
I have learned how many people are really by my side, or have been….and I am very fortunate and I absolutely recognize how lucky I am.
Not being completely consumed by a co dependent alcoholic is very enlightening and eye opening when you break free and start to spend time on ‘friends’.
I feel fairly naive, or am beginning to.
I am a very strong person….no doubt, but recently am faced with people in my life that I honestly do not understand….at all. Honestly.
Trust me…..I KNOW….I KNOW….I am not perfect….far from….but despite my sarcasm and Road Rage I am RIDICULOUSLY giving. I mean….really….and perhaps too trusting….I guess. This is where I start to wonder. I mean my street smarts are dead on….but when it comes to ‘friends’….I think I most definitely give way too many people the benefit of the doubt.
Long before I even questioned all this a coworker said to me ‘You just always see the good in everyone’….and my response was that ‘it was a sickness’. Maybe it is….I was kidding, when I said that, but maybe I need to pay more attention.
I am finding that no matter how genuine you are….or how much you do, despite anything….some people will/ do take. I know this…or did….I mean I have been in many relationships, but friendships….well for me….it is a curve ball. Yeah…guys, relationships, duh…. but ‘friends’…why?? What do they have to gain, and why??
What?? I mean really?? what more do people want?? Is it the pure pleasure of drama, and disdain in their own life….a chemical unbalance….or do they really think I am this awful person? I really don’t know…honestly…..
I’m not perfect…..I’m SUPER sensitive….and imperfect, like anyone. But….and I am serious….I would do almost anything in the entire world for a friend….and if EVER I needed them for anything, I am just ridiculously overwhelmed by how I can do anything to pay them back.
I am not so much questioning myself and being who I am, I like being nice and I like helping people….but I am questioning who I actually consider friends. This is difficult for me. I honestly can’t stand to carry negative energy.
I think no matter how many obstacles you have been through, or how hard they were—-there are always new lessons every day. I suppose right now I need to realize I can only do so much and beyond that I have to let go. I will continue to be me- always and eventually that has to be the most honest way to approach anything. I am not afraid to say I am sorry….I am not into stand offs….and I am not into rehashing stupid things that really have no positive outcome.
I am sure everyone already has this figured out, but honestly….I feel like I have been living in a dark hole of emotion the last 6 yrs…..so all this is seriously ‘new’ to me.

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